There Is No "He"

"I don't want to do this anymore."

You whisper as the tears start to fall down your cheeks, wiping off your foundation like a melancholic tidal wave. What do you do when the hurt, the wishes and the yearnings are too much to bear? The feelings and the words that you have longed to say have been bottled up for too long that it is now rushing out with selfishness and haste. Never mind the years you have spent together, you've had more than enough. And even though you know the words will hurt him, you say it still.

"I'm sorry, I just can't go through with this any longer," you say as the world becomes blurry and chaotic. He leans back away from you as if physically hit by the blow of your merciless words. He never thought he would see the day lines like that would be formed by the lips he has once lovingly caressed.

"Who is he?" he asks, bracing for the humiliation of being replaced by another.

"There is no 'he'," you replied. How can you tell him that there is no other man but it is because he has failed to be the man that you need?

He looks down, with that heartbreaking dejected expression on his once beautiful face. A face so familiar you could paint it in your head in the most stressful of times. The face you've once touched with absolute care and admiration. Where is the love that can once move mountains?

"I don't understand," he sobbed. It was almost too painful to see him this way. Tears are not supposed to be a part of his anatomy.

How can you explain everything when you yourself cannot understand what is happening? All you know is that the simple, often neglected things have taken its toll and you can't live the rest of the relationship, however long it could last, this way.

So you proceed to enumerate to him every painful flaw, every agonizing mistake he's ever done in the course of the 5 years you've spent together. You know he feels every cruel stab of the tactless insults you throw his way and it's devastating. Especially to him who have thought of you has a perfect angel sent from heaven to shower him with a love that knows no bounds nor cruelty.

You wish you can take it all back upon finishing wrecking the world he has built with you. You watch him placidly as everything he has ever known tumbled down into a haze of dust and mental debris.

You thought confessing would make you happy but it didn't. With the adrenaline gone, you desperately want him to get mad at you, shout and kick you out the door. Anything but this unbearable dead air.

"I never thought you felt that way," he mutters after quite some time of heavy silence. "But what can I do, this is me. This has always been me."

"I know."

"But... I can change."

"What?"

This is unexpected. You did expect a stubborn alpha male like him to bend so easily to your wishes. It did not occur to you that you are that important to him.

"I can change, for you. If you want me to."

He looks at you with tear stained eyes, red from crying for probably one of the few times in his life. It brought you back to that night when you heard on the radio that when a guy cries, he is really hurting. You feel worse than ever.

"You don't have to." 

"But I want to. If that what it takes to make you happy, then I'll do it."

It is music to your ears. You realize that you don't want to leave him at all. There are just some things that are needed to be brought out in the open for the relationship to grow further. Yes, it's painful, it's sad and heartbreaking and the risk of losing him altogether is frightening. But without it, there can be no tomorrow with him without feeling incomplete and wanting.

"You really mean that?"

You cannot believe that it is not the end but rather the beginning of something more beautiful.

"I will try my best. I love you."

"Thank you. I love you too."